Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
