I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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