This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
