my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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