I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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