I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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