Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Randomize
