This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
