my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
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He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
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They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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