You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
