So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
