I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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