i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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