I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
