I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
