My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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