it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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