Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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