you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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