weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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