genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
