Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
