Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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