the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
