Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
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