that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
