totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
