We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
