Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
