I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.