I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
