fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
