Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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