I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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