New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
