He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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