I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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