I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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