Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
