Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
