Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
