i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
