quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
