That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
