I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
