Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
