I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
