I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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