We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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