Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
