The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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