you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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