i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
