For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
