I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
