My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
